April 13th, 2014. Barstow, CA. 2:50pm
I drove down Main Street trying to find a shady place to park my car. The sun wouldn’t go down for another four hours. All I could do was wait. I pulled into the parking lot of Q-Mart and rolled down my windows, hoping for the occasional breeze to come in so I didn’t suffocate.
I opened a book of Raymond Carver’s short stories and started reading, but I couldn’t focus. I’d look up every couple of minutes and watch people walk in and out of the store. Most came out empty-handed. I kept worrying someone who worked there would ask me to leave, but no one seemed to care.
A few more people came and went. Still, everyone seemed to leave without buying anything. I rolled down my windows a bit more, then started thinking about what would happen if someone came up to my window. I started imagining the conversation I would have with him or her. Perhaps I’d tense up, and say something cold and unfriendly. They’d accuse me of being mean but I’d explain to them that I’m alone and can never be too wary. I always have to keep my guard up, you know? But no one came to my window, so I went back to reading.
An hour passed. I put the book down and leaned my head back. A fly flew in one window, hovered for a few seconds, then flew out another. I stared at the store again and saw a woman walk out with a plastic bag. She stopped to fold her receipt and slipped it into her back pocket. Then she continued walking down the street.
April 12th, 2014. Lone Pine, CA. 6:23pm
After dinner, I had a cigarette in my car outside the motel. Earlier I had complained it was too hot outside, but now it was too cold. I twirled the cigarette a few times and stared at the “Kamel” printed on the side. I thought about Chloe and wondered what kind of cigarettes she smoked. She is a singer after all - they’re particular about their brands, at least that’s what I’ve heard.
I got out of my car. The last drag burned my throat. Walking up to the door, I realized I had left my motel keys in the room. Thankfully, I had also forgotten to lock the door. I stepped inside and closed the door but left a crack open for the air to come in. It was too hot inside.
okay so it’s rare that i get a crush on someone (i repeat, rare), like it happens maybe every other year or something because if you know me at all i hate everyone (not really, but what i’m trying to say is that it’s hard for me to really like someone as more than a friend). but then when i do get a crush on someone i fast forward a million steps and imagine we’re already dating/making out/etc… and i get all giggly or whatever so when i see them in person i expect that to happen but obviously it doesn’t and i get super disappointed and needy.
and you’re probably thinking “valerie, why don’t you just tell that person you have a crush on him” but let me have you know it’s scientifically proven that 99.02% of the time my feelings are not reciprocated. ughhhh #complain #rant #whatareboys